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| it starts with an uneasiness in the pit of her stomach,
then floods down to her toes, and consumes her whole make,
every built up emotion breaking through her eternal dam,
making her fierce lioness exterior become as meek as a lamb.
No longer can the fear that grips her, be easily stashed away,
for love breaks down even the highest of walls in order to stay.
everyone says that they are the greatest couple, that its perfect,
but rebellious as always, she tells him that she isnt worth it.
Its easier to live a life of solitude than meet the face of regret,
To let all the guilt and shame be yet another thing to fret,
for another soul to have access to that forbidden depth,
fearing that the memories of independence would be all she had left.
She felt it was unfair to subject him to this internal ugliness.
he deserved beauty and grace, not this emotional mess,
Not willing to be vulnerable and commune with anyone
she remains afraid and alone and constantly on the run. | | |
| This song called "So sick" is such a GOOD song . . i love it. It is about a guy who is singing about how he sick of thinking and of his ex-gf. And once again i thank God that i have never had to deal with that. Well sure i had to get over major crushes, but i have only had one crush ALL of high school. And that was about a month and a half ago for 2 weeks. Hahah i know that im not ready yet. and totally at peace with that. It makes me sad how my friends sell out in this area. I mean on Tuesday i was talking to one of my friends that i dont hangout with, during chemistry. She was telling me about how she liked this guy and he liked her and how it was amazing cuz he doesnt usually stay with girls who dont "put out" early. (Come on . .doesnt that sound like a guy who will cherish and love you forever?) They have been hanging out a month and he still wont tell her what they are . . but he randomly kisses her for no reason. Why do guys have this idea that they can do that, totally disrepect a girl, and take what is pressure? Maybe its because of people who want that rush, who want to be cherished, but who are selling themselves short. My friends are being hurt time and again, AND learning how to move on to a new guy every time. I challenge you to Wait, hold on until God brings him your way, for someone who will take those marriage vows and mean it. Without the baggage of knowing he has "done it" with other girls, and moved on. DONT SELL OUT!!!
On another note: We started a bible study . .and there is ALOT of interest. We are going through "Your Daily Walk" (reading the bible in a year) and my mom is leading it. There were 10 girls who showed up on Monday night, and about 6 more girls who are going to come next monday. I am so excited that God is actively using me! i want to help open people's eyes and to show them Him. This is so cool, one girl who is atheist was so enthusiastic about reading through the bible that i gave her a bible study on Friday before we met, and she had read 40 CHAPTERS in 2 days!!! how is that for inspiring? she craves so much for Christ, be in prayer with me that He will reveal Himself to her. And there are other girls that i have high hopes for, Christ is key!!! Now i just have to keep up on my reading:)
One more big thing in my life that i want to highlight on: When i was younger there was a group of 5 of us girls at church. We hungout and basically were the "smart" bible kids, who had key holdings in the church life( i know it sounds funny now, but its so true). Anyway the important part was that we all fell apart and stopped being friends. Well not all of us just everyone's relationship with the twins (katie and nicole). Neither of them have many friends at youth group and people pretty much despise them because they are homeschoolers and dont really have the social skill . . which doesnt excuse anyone at all. But they really do bring it on themselves alot of the time. All that to say i was talking with my friend Sarah and we decided to schedule a breakfast date with them so we could mend our friendship. I dont know how it is going to go, but i am praying that the Lord will be there with us. that He will give me the words to say what i need to say and that we can learn to love each other. I know none of you will probably read this tonight, but if you do please pray for me!!!
love you
ash | | |
| I cant believe it . . .its already time to start thinking about the New Year. Today in church we made spiritual New Year Resolutions. And i realized i have a really hard time with being disciplined, like i cant stick to one thing. Me and my best friend, becca, were talking last night about how i get bored with people. I dont mean too, but i think i have a restless soul . . .searching for something, even though i know i have EVERYTHING i will ever need. Papa is enough, but im finally getting out of my denial and realizing that there is so much more i could be doing with Papa. I dont know Him the way people think i do, caught up in my own life, my own busyness i live Him behind. My everything is left in the dirt . . . and my life doesnt speak of one who listens to the Voice of God.
All this makes me deeply sad . . .ready to tear down the facade that i have convinced myself is reality, and start anew. Begin by reading my bible and getting to really know the character of Papa, to know His very soul . . .fight for that time with HIM. I've been praying that God will give me a passion, a hunger, a craving for His word. My dad has it and i want it! And the second thing i have resolved to do is to love people more deeply. I want to be able to love people, without the underlying selfishness that i had never identified till last night. i used to crave people's appreciation, and gratitude, i loved them but with strings attached. Yet Papa says to have agape love! and i want that, to be able to love people who are ugly on the inside and who are mean. So my prayer is that God will use me and renovate this willing heart.
from the mind of ash
p.s. if you havent heard of the play WICKED . . its an awesome soundtrack!!!! | | |
| ~~~~*anyone ever have those days where you just NEED to spend time with Papa more than usual. And you spend that time with Him, and feel refreshed and almost balanced. Then just as you are at your high point, your sister comes through slamming the door and yelling at you. All the sudden it seems as every thing that has been locked up in her soul her whole life, comes pouring out like hot lava and guess who is burned by it? Yup it was that kind of night for me. relationships are funny . . .
yea as much as i would like to complain and give the Woe is me speech, i think that Papa has a better idea. Grace is some thing i think that we overlook alot of the time. I mean if Christ can die for ALL of our sins, cant we be willing to give someone a little grace? It reminds me of the story in the bible with the guy who owed the king a TON of money. He was to be thrown into jail so he could work of his debt. But then he came to the king pleading to be given more time in order to pay his debt. The king was merciful but then later that day he hears that his servant had another man thrown into prison for owing him a small amountof money. The servant gave no mercy to someone who owed him even less than he owed to the king. So the king threw him into prison and released the other man. . . . .that story reminds me of how much i(not even considering how much you and others) owe Papa! I know for me that i am DEFFINENTLY, no doubt about it, the servant who owes Christ A TON, and yet sometimes i slip and condemn someone who owes me WAY less. I want to show more grace towards people, what about you?
Sweetest of dreams, full of thankful hearts, and grace that overflows! ~~~*
ash | | |
| Hey everybody,
its been awhile . . .actually not as long as usual, so maybe i am getting better at this:) Not. Anyways my life down here in So.Cal has been pretty interesting/intense for the last couple weeks. last week two of me best friends broke up(Not because of anything really wrong they had done) but my best friend,hannah, felt like God was telling her that she wasnt going to marry this boy that she has been with for over a year and a half. It was awesome how God brought three of us girls together(me, beth, and hannah), we laid on her couch the night she told us that she was struggling. and it was the most refreshing(i know that sounds weird) night we've had in years or maybe ever. She talked about how she was feeling as beth and i gave her advice. And then we wept together and held hands and prayed. We prayed for him and we prayed for strength for her.
The next couple days were excruciating because he came over to my house to hangout for awhile and then we went to her vball game together. But i couldnt say ANYTHING! she finally did it on Thursday. So far things have been going pretty well, but im stuck in the middle of it. I mean they can still hangout together, and they have talked a couple times since, but he doesnt really have a best friend (okay he does but the guy kind of lacks emotions) and we've become close in the last year. Yet i am Hannah's best friend(going on 5 years). Anyways so i am trying to find a balance between the two, and its pretty tough. I know we are all going to make it through this. And i am so thankful to God for giving Hannah strength and courage to do the right thing. And that they will both have a chance to sort through their lives away from each other and get their priorities straight with Papa. It sure is an inspiration to me, i am at peace waiting for the godly man God has in store for me. I dont want to carry any unnessecary baggage with me, Papa knows best.
Its truly astounding what Christ can do in a believers life. He has rocked my world upside-down in the last couple years, and it has made me rely on His strength. Even now i am working on opening up and trusting people, and the other night i did the right thing and talked to someone that i was frustrated with before i went to bed. I dont ever want to go to bed angry with someone . . . . .i dont remember who said that in the Bible, but whoever it was is brilliant. God brings complete change, and for that i am eternally greatful. Live your lives free of bondage, and fully in God's hands for He can make you soar!!!!!
ash | | |
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